I haven't been updating for a while. Yeah, well first of all, a little update. I'm not tripping anymore. I'm perfectly fine right now...except fro the fact that my eye hurts. =( Other than that I'm fine.

You know a funny thing that happened to me this week? My science teacher asked me to be the model for the statue they were planning to put up in the St. Hildegard garden. It was suppose to be statues of st. schoalstica, st.benedict and a scholastican, and out of all the scholasticans, she chose me.

Haha, that's sort of wierd, but I guess it'll be fun. I mean, the statue will look exactly like me. Freaky, I know, but hey, it's a remembrance. I'm not even sure if it'll push through. =) Oh well, what comes will come.

The SCO elections were done today. Congratulations to Ate Portia, Ate Cody, and Ate Che che, who obviously won because they ran unopposed. =) You guys are great. Congrats to April...whom I think won. Congratulations Ate Gaille! You won, I'm sure of it. It was really a landslide. Ara, I'm not sure, but you were winning by a lot, so congratulations too! April, congratulations! ^_^ I think Joang lost to ann though...according to my calculations...by seven votes! Argh.

Now doesn't that just want to make you rip your hair out? The fact that it only took seven more people for Joang and Ann to tie? That's from the last time I checked. I'm rpetty sure the tally was over, but not totally. Anyway, congrats to Angelique too then. I'm sure you'll make a great batch rep. Joang, you're so great as well.

I applied for the REC. Hehe, I guess, I just didn't want the opportunity to pass up. I mean, it's gonna be fun hopefully. Third year will hopefully be better than second. No matter what, I am going to make it, and make it good during third year...and that's a promise!

Pangako, titino na ako sa third year. Di na ako magpapabaya.

Oh, other congratulations are in order. Congratulations to Issa, for making it to the top ten! Yaaay! Oh, and Joang as well, you and Issa have the same rank I think. Congratulations! Also, congratulations Niki...for becoming top one!!! Finally, you can't make nay more excuses because now you've beaten us all. You are the best.

Now, onto my problems. I have to spy on someone for speech...and make a full report on it this coming tuesday. I have to make the headresses for dance....which I forgot to talk about with Abby, since she was supposed to help me. I probably just bombed my science long test. Oh, and I still have to settle the pakikipanayam thing AND the labreports....which reminds me...my prelab....yeah...uhm, never mind.

Weee! After 2 weeks of not training...I have training tomorrow! Yeeeahhhh! I'm getting rustyer by the minute. I really do hope I'm not THAT out of shape. In anycase, it's getting late. TIme for me to go.

Ja!

-Patricia

Ugh, RO won't work. this sucks, but the fact that the game won't work isn't what I'm worried about.

No, wait, let me change that. I'm not worried, I'm angry. This is so wrong that I want to puke. I want to get into Rune Midgard and slash myself a couple of...players....and monsters, but as mentioned, the game won't work and I'm stuck here angsting.

You know that thing where you think something's wrong and you think someone is lost forever, but since there's no confirmation, you still think that maybe this, and maybe that. You keep making excuses for your far off would be desires. You keep telling yourself that there's some kind of logical explanation for all of this.

Then wham! The "confirmation" hits you straight up in the face. You feel the anger of all that time you wasted hoping. It's so heartwrenching you feel yourself plunge down a hole...but you're not doing anything. You just sit there...straing off...ranting in your blog. Numbness is taking over. The fire of the anger and hate is replaced by the strange serenity of sadness, regret...and finally your old friend, apathy.

I've turned a blind eye,
because now is the time,
to look out for myself,
and nobody else.

You've made me not care,
about the people out there,
because you made me see,
they don't care about me.

You showed me frist hand,
what it's like to land
on the cold hard stone,
breaking every bone.

You slapped me with reality,
using your hand of apathy
and made my blood spill,
onto the window sill.

So now I'll imitate,
your horrible traits,
and not give care or clue,
when hearing "I love you."

And this, of couse is dedicated to you, you jerk. Whatever I did to you, I'm fucking sorry, but now I've realized you're not worth it. You weren't who I thought you were and you can keep your shit-ass resentment for me. I'd appreciate it actually, though I would never know why you suddenly put a knife in my back. I'll get over you.

Thanks for destroying who I was.
Thanks for destroying what my heart was.
Thanks for destroying what love was to me.
Thanks for destroying what hope meant to me.
Thanks for turning dreams into bitter-sweet reality.
Thank you for your Apathy.

Sincerely, and with all the sadness in the world,

Patricia

P.S. Thanks for destroying my world too.

Hey, I had training yesterday and I found out I could do pushups! Yay! Hehe, no, I mean, more than the usual I could carry. I wonder why. Maybe because earlier that morning I thought I lost my wallet anfd left it in school, so I was down in the dumps and decided I didn't care anymore.

The more passion you put into something, the more it comes back to bite you.

Oh well. You know there are so many things broken right now. The car, the computers (yes both of them.), the fle cabinet, the school supplies cabinet, the bath tub. Yeah, almost everything. Our house is a wreck.

I wish you were here,
but it makes no difference,
I wouldn't talk to you,
wouldn't even go near you,
I would just stare.

Who do you think I am?
I want to know,
because you're making me feel,
like I did something wrong.

Who are you to make me feel this?
it's really just not fair,
when all I need is to escape from you,
but all I want is you there.

Aww, how nice. I love writing. In anycase, I have a lot of really f*cked up things to do like...

-Take care of my lit CLT
-Take care of my Social CLT
-Do my math homework
-Memorise my lines for the Edipo play.
-Study up on math (yes, to nobody's surprise, I wasn't listening again.)
- Fix my clear book.

So I probably won't be playing ragnarok today. Yesterday, I was hit with something. I should start trying to study harder. I mean, heck, I'm coming close to NOT studying at all. God gave me a brain and I know how to use it and I do...it's just that he didn't give me the responsibility to match.

That's something I have to get on my own.

I have to backtrack a bit. Get rid of all the distractions and focus on studies, because hey, when you want to get into college, they're the only thing that'll matter. They won't ask you, how popular you were or how many boy friends you had (ehemzeroehem). Yeah, and I really want to get to college.

So, what now? Camera still won't connect so I can't show you the pictures just yet. I can't say I love anyone right now. I've come to that point where it's just to much of an effort to love anybody.

-Patricia

Hmm, well, it's been a long time since I updated and I know my last entry was an emotional let loose more than anything else, but don't worry. I've calmed down now.

Yesterday was a really busy day of which I spent mostly in school. I didn't attend karate training. (Oh the horror, I don't want to not attend ever again. ) First we had that graduation thing from power memory where I did...okay, Hey, I have a really cool certificate. Next was the outreach to pandakan. It was a really deprived area. Then there of course was the concert.

The concert was fun and all, especially with Kitchie, Bamboo and Spongecola. I am also now driven by the need to buy a cambio cd. Haha. I'll upload the pictures some time later becasue my camera won't connect right now.

On to the mindset. Umm, do you sometimes feel like you've been deprived of something? Or do you feel like your missing something when everything you're supposed to have is with you? Here's a bunch of lyrics of one of my faveorite songs.

Shimmer by Fuel

She calls me from the cold
Just when I was low, feeling short of stable
And all that she intends
And all she keeps inside, isn't on the label
She says she's ashamed
And she can take me for a while
And can I be a friend, we'll forget the past
But maybe I'm not able
And I break at the bend
We're here and now, but will we ever be again
'Cause I have found
All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade
Away again
She dreams a champagne dream
Strawberry surprise, pink linen and white paper
Lavender and cream
Fields of butterfliess, reality escapes her
She says that love is for fools that fall behind
And I'm somewhere in between
I never really know
A killer from a savior
'Til I break at the bend
We're here and now, but will we ever be again
'Cause I have found
All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade
Away again
It's too far away for me to hold
It's too far away....
Guess I'll let it go

It's a bit shortened but all the lyrics are there, they just didn't put when you repeat some parts. Anyway, the ones in bold are what I find somewhat touching and relevant to my being.

Oh well. =)

-Patricia

How do I live without you? I want to know.
How do I breathe without you? If you ever go.
How do I ever...ever survive....
How do I, oh how do I, oh how do I breathe...

How do I, get through one night without you?
If I had to live without you
What kind of life would that be?

And I, baby I need your arms to hold me close,
You're my world my heart my soul...
if you ever leave....
Baby you would take away everything good in my life,
and tell me now...

How do I live without you? I want to know.
How do I breathe without you? If you ever go.
How do I ever...ever survive....
How do I, oh how do I, oh how do I breathe...
------------------
Yes, but in my case you left...without so much as a goodbye. No explanation, no nothing. You left me hanging, as if you thought it was alright. As if you thought I would be alright. I never did anything to you to deserve what you did to me. I told you to wait didn't I? You told me you would. You told me that you loved me and you would wait. So why didn't you?

Why, when I was so deep in love with you, that's when you became non exitent? I'm not even sure if it's love, but now I'm sure you never loved me, because the people we love aren't suppose to leave us like we were just trash that you could throw away.

Today I sent you a message. If you don't reply then I guess that's the end of it. I tried to stand it, but you just kept crawling back into my mind and I don't even know why. I can't believe I was actually falling to pieces just because of you. I can't believe that somehow, some way, someone found a place in my ever so tired heart and that someone was you.

Who am I to love you anyway? I guess it's partly my fault, that I didn't want to be your girl that soon, that I wanted to wait, that I drew your patience thin, but I thought you would wait. I thought that if I gave you time, you'd understand who I was more. I thought that in time, you would be able to see who I really was, and I wouldn't have to worry about disappointing you.

You were the first person, outside of my family to tell me "I love you." I was so surprised, and really so happy that I realy didn't bother to see weather you ment it or not. I guess I thought you did, I bet you thought so to. But what do we really know of love? Maybe you loved me but were you IN love with me? Did you just say those words to keep me on? So that if you didn't like me you could drop me, but if you did, you could keep me?

But I wasn't playing your game. Were you? I'm just so tired now, of wating for you, of wanting you. Your phone number isn't working but why didn't you tell me about it? Why did you forget to tell me that that's the reason you weren't texting. Did you think I would forget about you? Did you think it would be that easy? You could have at least told me, then I wouldn't have waisted my time thinking about you.

I love you, and if you were to somehow miraculously reply to my message then I won't mkae the same mistake again, whatever mistake I made, but, you know (-----)...I can't wait forever. Maybe, but it's not really sure. Just please, I need anything from you, an apology, or an explanation...even a goodbye would do.

Just don't disappear and leave me hanging forever waiting for something that won't ever come.